I AM NOT WORTHY; SEND ME
‘I am lost, for I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips; yet my eyes have seen the King, the Lord of hosts!’. Isaiah 6.5
Simon Peter fell at Jesus’ knees, saying, ‘Go away from me, Lord, for I am a sinful man!’ Luke 5.8
You have woken something in me, and I cannot ignore your call. But I am not worthy of your attention or your love, and I don’t know what to say to those who need to know what they need to know. I have made terrible mistakes in my life, and I have hurt people who have put their trust in me. I have led them down wrong paths and I have failed to take away their pain. Here I am in the temple of my heart, at the altar of Life, and my heart is opening like the cosmos. There is no end to the space I feel, and I know you here. I think I might even be beginning to know me. All is One, and Peace reigns. Yet I am in the world, and I see the starving ones and the broken ones, the lame and the weak. And there is so much pain and destruction. There is a language in the world that contains only the illusions at play like a smoke covering the earth with ignorance and unbelief, and dog eats dog eats dog. I want to tell them of your love, but I have no words. My tongue is tied. A thousand words compete to be the one word and my mouth is slammed shut.
Then one of the seraphs flew to me, holding a live coal that had been taken from the altar with a pair of tongs. The seraph touched my mouth with it and said: ‘Now that this has touched your lips, your guilt has departed and your sin is blotted out.’ Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, ‘Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?’ And I said, ‘Here am I; send me!’ Isaiah 6.6-8
Then Jesus said to Simon, ‘Do not be afraid; from now on you will be catching people.’ When they had brought their boats to shore, they left everything and followed him. Luke 5.10,11
I built walls with all the ideas, the philosophies, the poems and the songs. I thought they were your gift to me and they would give me the voice. The more I sang, the fainter the song became. The more complex the philosophy, the dumber I sounded. Only in the silence, have I learned to be that which I am, your created, your intended, your beloved. Only in the silence, I am whom I am. Here I am learning that I must leave all that I think I know, every barb of attachment, every reassurance and reward. I must go in your name and proclaim your kingdom, not in carefully constructed sentences but in the silence of my own being. There are no words to persuade the lost to step onto the path of freedom. There is only the silence and the steps of freedom themselves. Burn my lips Lord, with the coals of Truth and send me out to do your will. In the morning, restore me, and send me out again, and again. In the morning, in the morning, in the morning…send me…
…by the grace of God I am what I am, and his grace towards me has not been in vain. On the contrary, I worked harder than any of them — though it was not I, but the grace of God that is with me…so we (the sent ones) proclaim and so you have come to believe. 1 Corinthians 15.10,11
Tonnau Duw ('God's waves') Fr Tim Ardouin 